The Joke Thread!

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The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 06, 2012 6:53 pm

Could we not have a joke thread on here cheers .


Last edited by oldie on Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:14 am; edited 2 times in total

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by HighlyJetted on Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:23 pm

I agree.

Jokes are for losers
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by rich the mechanic on Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:08 pm

Well I like jokes the better the groan the better they are.


Little Johnny's mum looks out the window and sees little Johnny sitting on the kerb,
he has a packet of Smarties in one hand and in the other the neighbours cat,
wondering what he is up to she watches him for a while and as she does he quaffs some Smarties and licks the cat then shuffles up the kerb a little and then does it again,
this goes on for five minutes and little Johnny's mum has to find out whats going on so out she goes and says
"Johnny what are you doing?"
Little Johnny says "practiceing being a Hells Angel, mum"
"your what!" Shocked
He says "I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on!" Cool
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by EvaInNorfolk on Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:32 pm

One from home...

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Logi on Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:40 pm

A guy and his wife go into Currys, guy says, "what's your favourite telly tubby?"

She replies, "oh, Tinky Winky, why?"


Guy rolls his eyes and says, "no fatty, what tv do you want?"
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by EvaInNorfolk on Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:54 pm

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

(Hope that's not too naughty!)
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 07, 2012 5:43 am

Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their flaps!
So now, when a guy goes down, he can have a bevy aswell.
However.... Anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24hr minge drinking!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:44 am

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too imature.
I replied "Your talking a load of updoc you are"!
Guys, you should have seen the look of sheer joy sweep across my face when she replied...."What's updoc"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:41 am

3 thugs set-upon my Mrs last night and were kicking fcuk out of her!
My neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"?
I said "Nah, 3 should be enough".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Feb 08, 2012 6:25 am

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sh*te an p*sh!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by EvaInNorfolk on Wed Feb 08, 2012 7:33 pm

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. Very Happy
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Feb 10, 2012 5:30 am

As I was walking into a pub yesterday, there was a beggar sitting on the floor and he called out to me "Any change mate".
I said, "Nah!.....I still live in that big house with the Bently on the drive".
He replied, "But I haven't eaten for days".
I said, "Go-on....force yourself"!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Feb 10, 2012 6:07 am

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much."

The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your knickers."

He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"

She replies, "Phucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 14, 2012 7:14 am

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me, if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sat Feb 18, 2012 8:24 pm

I'm sure the Mrs is having sex behind my back...........
that would explain the strap-on hanging out of my arse this morning!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:42 pm

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy area.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do......

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:48 pm

A bloke walks into a Pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella. Barman asks him what's wrong with Stella?
Bloke said "Well I had 12 pints of stella last night and when I got home I was f**king skint".
Barman says "If you have 12 pints of anything it would cost the same"!
Bloke says, "No, Skint is my dog".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:55 pm

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says....
"Before you tell that joke, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you
should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously. Do you still wanna tell that joke"?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, sighs and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 21, 2012 12:02 am

I've just bought a race horse, and he's called My Face.
I'm going to race it at Ascot.
The horse is so old and slow it won't win anything,
I just want to hear all the posh birds shouting......
"COME ON MY FACE ! COME ON MY FACE!"

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Sex Insurance

Post by minimouse on Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:31 pm

Are you insured for sex?
Make sure you get the correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes.
Sex with the wife – Legal & General
Sex on the telephone – Direct Line
Sex with your Partner – Standard Life
Sex with someone Different – Go Compare
Sex with a Fat Bird – More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car – Sheila’s Wheels
Sex with a Posh Bird – Privileged
Sex with a Transvestite – Confused.com
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
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Old Age..

Post by minimouse on Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:33 pm

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
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Alphabet

Post by minimouse on Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:36 pm

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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Think First

Post by minimouse on Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:37 pm

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old van, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th.
Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation."
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Milking Machine

Post by minimouse on Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:38 pm

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!)..
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
'Thank You and have a nice day...'
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by waz on Tue Feb 21, 2012 2:46 pm

test


Waz
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by PFM on Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:01 pm

waz wrote:testWaz
lol!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:32 pm

The Mrs said to me "You only want sex when your drunk"!
"Not true" I replied, "Sometimes I want a kebab".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:34 pm

A fat girl stands up on a table in a bar and shouts "If you can guess my weight you can shag me"!
I shouted back "Your about 93 stone, you big fat ugly slag".
She shouted back "That's close enough for me you lucky fcuker"!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Feb 24, 2012 7:28 am

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings
the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the
back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks,
"So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the
SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined
that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how
much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bast@rd. He's never been out of the garden."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by waz on Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:42 pm

A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his
Fosters.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's
the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
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Re: The Joke Thread!

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