The Joke Thread!

[oldie]

Could we not have a joke thread on here .

[HighlyJetted]

I agree.

Jokes are for losers

[rich the mechanic]

Well I like jokes the better the groan the better they are.


Little Johnny's mum looks out the window and sees little Johnny sitting on the kerb,
he has a packet of Smarties in one hand and in the other the neighbours cat,
wondering what he is up to she watches him for a while and as she does he quaffs some Smarties and licks the cat then shuffles up the kerb a little and then does it again,
this goes on for five minutes and little Johnny's mum has to find out whats going on so out she goes and says
"Johnny what are you doing?"
Little Johnny says "practiceing being a Hells Angel, mum"
"your what!"
He says "I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on!"

[EvaInNorfolk]

One from home...

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Logi]

A guy and his wife go into Currys, guy says, "what's your favourite telly tubby?"

She replies, "oh, Tinky Winky, why?"


Guy rolls his eyes and says, "no fatty, what tv do you want?"

[EvaInNorfolk]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

(Hope that's not too naughty!)

[oldie]

Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their flaps!
So now, when a guy goes down, he can have a bevy aswell.
However.... Anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24hr minge drinking!

[oldie]

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too imature.
I replied "Your talking a load of updoc you are"!
Guys, you should have seen the look of sheer joy sweep across my face when she replied...."What's updoc"

[oldie]

3 thugs set-upon my Mrs last night and were kicking fcuk out of her!
My neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"?
I said "Nah, 3 should be enough".

[oldie]

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sh*te an p*sh!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

[EvaInNorfolk]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

[oldie]

As I was walking into a pub yesterday, there was a beggar sitting on the floor and he called out to me "Any change mate".
I said, "Nah!.....I still live in that big house with the Bently on the drive".
He replied, "But I haven't eaten for days".
I said, "Go-on....force yourself"!

[oldie]

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much."

The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your knickers."

He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"

She replies, "Phucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear."

[oldie]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me, if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[oldie]

I'm sure the Mrs is having sex behind my back...........
that would explain the strap-on hanging out of my arse this morning!