The Joke Thread!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Nov 01, 2015 6:11 am

Had a visit from the police


The Police came round last night and said that my dog had been chasing someone on a bike.
I told them.....It can't be my dog, he doesn't have a bike!!!

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Parachute for sale

Post by Manks on Sat Aug 06, 2016 1:55 pm

Only used once, small stain.
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Manks on Sat Aug 06, 2016 2:08 pm

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,
so the snowploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting
12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit,
the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the car in the bloody garage this time?"



=
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Manks on Sat Aug 06, 2016 2:15 pm

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and
gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:30 am

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Manks on Thu Aug 25, 2016 8:34 am

Very Happy
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:56 am

A man received the following text from his neighbour:.....
" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man was livid, and feeling betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:.....
"Damn that bloody auto-correct...... I meant wifi, not wife''

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by scotia on Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:14 am

Laughing
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by buttondup on Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:23 pm

Did anyone hear about the anarchist who died in the derelict toilets??
He was crushed by the cistern.
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 5:19 am

Paddy says to Mick, "I can't remember the name of that historical Greek film Brad Pitt was in".

"Troy" said Mick

Paddy said "I feckin am but I still can't remember".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 5:34 am

A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 5:35 am

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
.........turns out she was a Slovak.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:03 am

Sad news at the Nestle factory today.
A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate bars fell 50 feet and crushed him underneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted "THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME"......everyone cheered.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

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