The Joke Thread!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Nov 01, 2015 6:11 am

Had a visit from the police


The Police came round last night and said that my dog had been chasing someone on a bike.
I told them.....It can't be my dog, he doesn't have a bike!!!

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Parachute for sale

Post by Manks on Sat Aug 06, 2016 1:55 pm

Only used once, small stain.
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Manks on Sat Aug 06, 2016 2:08 pm

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,
so the snowploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting
12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit,
the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the car in the bloody garage this time?"



=
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Manks on Sat Aug 06, 2016 2:15 pm

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and
gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Aug 25, 2016 6:30 am

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Manks on Thu Aug 25, 2016 8:34 am

Very Happy
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:56 am

A man received the following text from his neighbour:.....
" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man was livid, and feeling betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:.....
"Damn that bloody auto-correct...... I meant wifi, not wife''

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by scotia on Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:14 am

Laughing
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by buttondup on Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:23 pm

Did anyone hear about the anarchist who died in the derelict toilets??
He was crushed by the cistern.
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 5:19 am

Paddy says to Mick, "I can't remember the name of that historical Greek film Brad Pitt was in".

"Troy" said Mick

Paddy said "I feckin am but I still can't remember".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 5:34 am

A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 5:35 am

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
.........turns out she was a Slovak.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Oct 13, 2017 6:03 am

Sad news at the Nestle factory today.
A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate bars fell 50 feet and crushed him underneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted "THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME"......everyone cheered.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:00 am

My wife had a voicemail left the other day saying she had won £250 or 4 tickets to an Elvis impersonator concert.
She had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.


Last edited by oldie on Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Woodie on Wed Oct 25, 2017 10:15 am

Is that the best you can do you Old Fart?? Still, at least it's a clean joke - a true miracle on here. lol!
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sat Nov 18, 2017 4:41 am

A young Aussie fella moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 28 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"£124,237.64p."
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! "What the hell did you sell Him?"
"Well, firstly I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod."
"Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat."
"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him a 4x4."
The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me......a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No, no, no...... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said......
Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:56 am

Getting into feeling the Christmas Spirit  santa .
Good deed done for the day  Smile
In the queue at Tesco and there was a little old lady in front of me, she had £78 of shopping, but her card got declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year, after all that could be someones Grandmother.
So........ I helped her put it all back on the shelves..........every little helps.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Woodie on Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:11 am

Sounds about right for a tight wad Welshman. Evil or Very Mad
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by scotia on Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:22 am

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by scotia on Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:23 am

oldie wrote:Getting into feeling the Christmas Spirit  santa .
Good deed done for the day  Smile
In the queue at Tesco and there was a little old lady in front of me, she had £78 of shopping, but her card got declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year, after all that could be someones Grandmother.
So........ I helped her put it all back on the shelves..........every little helps.

Laughing
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by scotia on Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:27 am

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Nov 22, 2017 1:24 am

‎3 sisters Ann, Jan & Fanny all have big feet.
Ann & Jan go on a date and one of the boys says "WOW! What big feet you have" ...
Ann replies "You should see our Fanny's their huge!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Nov 24, 2017 5:37 am

SILENCE in an Irish Court.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to him and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:29 am

I asked my Mrs had she decided if we were going to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch  today.....
She said, "It's hard to say".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by buttondup on Sat Nov 25, 2017 5:07 pm

What do you call a dog with no tongue?
Dirty bollocks
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Nov 26, 2017 7:51 am

I've just put all of my Dogging Equipment on E-Bay .......There's been no bids yet but there's 12 people watching.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Nov 28, 2017 6:16 am

The Mrs said to me "You only want sex when your drunk"!
"That's not true" I replied, "Sometimes I want a kebab".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by buttondup on Tue Nov 28, 2017 5:53 pm

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know and don't care
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:36 am

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake,
followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday"......


I just sat there...

On the couch...

Sobbing...

Naked...

and erect.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Dec 08, 2017 5:45 am

In my opinion, I think the days of the Advent Calendar are numbered.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

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