The Joke Thread!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sat Feb 25, 2012 8:31 am

A new tomb has been discovered in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt.
Egyptologists stated that the mummy had been well-preserved using chocolate,
and are so exited at finding Pharaoh Rocher.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:08 am

The Mrs gave me £60.00 yesterday, then told me to go out and spend it on something that makes her look sexy.
You should've seen her face when I came home pissed!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:14 am

My wife came down and caught me on the computer late last night.
I could tell straight away she wasnt pleased....
"Errr, I'm just looking for some cheap flights!" I told her.
Well she soon changed her tune......
she told me she loved me, unzipped my trousers and gave me a good seeing-too right there and then....


I didn't even realise she liked darts.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:22 am

The wife said to me, "I bet you can't go for one day without cracking a joke about my periods".

I said, "Your on"!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:26 am

Paddy gets called into the office.
His boss hands him the phone with a concerned expression saying it's the police......

"You should come home Paddy, it's bad news I'm afraid.
Burglars have broken into your house and taken all your beer and raped your wife"...

"Oi don't believe it", Paddy replies as he sits down.
"Oi can't believe somebody would fcuk her after only 4 cans of guinness"!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:32 am

I've just bought a race horse, and he's called My Face.
I'm going to race it at Ascot.
The horse is so old and slow it won't win anything,
I just want to hear all the posh birds shouting......
"COME ON MY FACE ! COME ON MY FACE!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:51 am

A guy goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks, "Have you any alergies"?
"Yes, caffeine" he says.

"Are you disabled in any way"?
"Yes, I was in the army and a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

Interviewer says, "OK, your hired. The hours are 8 till 3, but you can start at 10".
The guy asks, "Why 10".
The interviewer says.......
"This is a Council job.
The 1st two hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, so no point you coming in".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:40 pm

Hey Guys!.....
Did you know, that when Larry LaPrise died, he's the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey',
the most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in.......and that's when the trouble started.


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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:53 pm

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all me life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,...... "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:56 pm

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past ,
looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:




"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:03 pm

Murphy: "You've a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?"

Paddy: "I've called them, One and Two".

Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?"

Paddy: "'Coz if One dies, I've still got Two".


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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:06 pm

Jack and his wife Diane went to the local country fair every year, and every year Jack would say,
'Diane, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Diane always replied, 'I know Jack, but that helicopter ride is ninety quid , and ninety quid is ninety quid'

One year Diane and Jack went to the fair, and Jack said,
'Diane, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Diane replied, 'Jack that helicopter ride is ninety quid, and ninety quid is ninety quid.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's ninety quid.'

Jack and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Jack replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Diane fell out,
but you know,..... ninety quid is ninety quid!'

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by HighlyJetted on Wed Feb 29, 2012 12:36 am

Keep em coming oldie, my and my missus are in tears down here. Laughing lol!
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:32 am

An Australian sheep farmer is walking down the road carrying a sheep under each arm when he meets a mate of his who says......
"G'day mate, are you shearing?"
To which the sheep farmer replies.....
"Nah mate, gonna fcuk'em both meself!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:42 am

A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban, she is very upset to see that women must walk 5 paces behind the men.........
She returns one year later and is very happy to see that women are walking 5 paces in FRONT of the men.
"How has such a change come so quickly in female equality," she asks the local wise man.
"Landmines,"...... comes the reply

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:07 am

A pregnant Irish woman has been in a deep coma for months.
When she wakes the first thing she asks the doctor is...
"Hey Doctor, where's my bump"?
The Doctor replies....
"While you were in a deep coma, you gave birth to a lovely girl and boy,
and your brother came to visit and named them both for you".
"OH MY GOD!" She says, "He's as thick as shite, what the fcuk did he call them"?
Doc replies "Denise".
"Oh" replies the woman, that's not so bad, I do like that name. What about my son"......
"Denephew".....replies the Doc.



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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by waz on Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:55 pm

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy !' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy he replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by rich the mechanic on Wed Feb 29, 2012 9:22 pm

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL!! Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. ...

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she..was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates Smile
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Mar 01, 2012 11:10 pm

My Mrs suggested that we should liven up our sex life and try using the 'other hole' tonight.

I said...."But what if you get pregnant".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:13 pm

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one the night and the neighbours dog's barking like f*ck in the garden.

Paddy says, "F*ck this!" and storms downstairs.

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says, "what did you do?"

Paddy says, "I've put the f*cker in our garden - let's see how they like it!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:17 pm

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one without the other?"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:46 pm

There was pandmonium last night at the annual paranoid schizophrenics pantomine when one of the audience shouted.........
"HE'S BEHIND YOU!!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:48 pm

I once went out with a girl who had eczema

She had cracking tits !!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:51 pm

Bloke in a Pub necking back whisky like its going out of fashion.

"You OK mate?" - said the barman
"I'm fine, just got a bit of a shock when I came home early from work"
"Oh really, what happend?" asks the very curious barman.
"I caught my wife getting shagged by my best friend, so I told her to pack her bags and fcuk off".
"What about your best friend" said the barman.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said....
BAD DOG....... NO BISCUITS".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by rich the mechanic on Sun Mar 04, 2012 7:24 pm

I think someone bought Oldie the bumper book of adult jokes for christmas.
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:59 pm

A Women walks past a building site and one builder says to another.....
"I'd give her one"
She hears him and shouts at him.....
"Men like you disgust me, what makes you think I would ever have sex with you?"
The builder replies......
"SEX, what the fcuk are you on about.......I was marking you out of 10!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Mar 06, 2012 11:57 pm

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.


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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:12 am

A few years ago......
I was kicked out of school after being caught fingering one of the girls from my class behind the bike sheds.
When I was leaving, the headmaster said.........
"It was a great pity, because I was an exellent maths teacher".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by waz on Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:23 pm

I can honestly say I Never Thought of This Answer...





WHERE DO RED-HEADED
BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said... 'Even though you and yourwife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this.

How often do you have sex???"



The man seemed a bit ashamed.. 'I've been working
very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'


'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....



"It's Rust."
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:59 pm

A ventriloquist on tour with his act.

Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde shouts....

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!
What does colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's men like like you who keep women like me from being respected!"

The red faced ventriloquist begins to appologise, but the blonde shouts again....

"You stay out of this mate!
I'm talkin to that cheeky little fcuker on your knee!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

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