The Joke Thread!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:07 pm

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em..'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligibe for parole in 3 years.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:12 pm

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"?
But.............none of them rub your dick and say "well done"!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:17 pm

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Mon Mar 26, 2012 4:08 am

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighbourhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two....
"I don't have time for this bullshit, I gotta go home and fcuk the cat."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Mar 28, 2012 5:50 pm

A group of Paddys on a mystery tour decide to have a sweepstake to guess where they are going.........

The driver won 68 quid.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Mar 28, 2012 5:55 pm

A waiter asks Paddy "Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices?"

"Just six" says Paddy..... "I don't think I can eat eight"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Mar 28, 2012 5:56 pm

My mates wife left him last Thursday.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping and he said "Not bad, i've been using that powdered stuff"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Mar 28, 2012 5:58 pm

Paddy applies for a job at a stableyard.
He turns up for the interview and the charge hand asks "have you ever shoed a horse Paddy?"
He thinks for a moment and replies......... "No, but I once told a dog to fcuk off".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by HighlyJetted on Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:35 pm

Barman: Whats up?
Sad Guy: I think my wife is dead.
Barman: How come?
Sad Guy: Well the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Apr 22, 2012 8:42 am

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet and tells him......
"I want You to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, eat for two days, skip a day and so on for two weeks, you should lose about 10lbs".
When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st.
"Thats amazing the doc said"... Paddy nodded..." I'll tell you, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day."
"What, from hunger said the doc?".......
Paddy said "NO! From the fookin skippin!"

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by waz on Mon Apr 23, 2012 9:34 pm


If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received a £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British, doesn’t it!
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:25 am

I was walking down The Mall with a friend yesterday when he turned to me and said, "Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country."

"But Chan, you're Chinese," I replied. "All those flags are British."

"No, they're not," he laughed. "Just take a look at the labels."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by waz on Thu Jun 07, 2012 4:03 pm

Man goes to the doctors and said that everytime he masterbated he shouted out come on Manchester United, doctor told him most wankers do Very Happy Very Happy

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Jun 15, 2012 1:06 pm

Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband: "Sukitaki!"
Wife: "Kowanini!"
Husband: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife, whose on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband, replies angrily: "Kina tim kouji"

And look at you.......sitting there......reading this as if you understand Japanese Laughing .

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:48 pm

I woke up this morning and my wife was out.

There was a note stuck to the fridge saying....
"I can't cope, it's clearly not working, I'm going to stay at my mums".

I don't know what she's talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:42 am

After England's dismal display in the recent Championships, Roy Hodgson asked the sqaud if they would settle for pens as souveniers.
Everyone exept Rooney said yes........ he wanted crayons!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:00 pm

My Mrs said to me....
"Come on..I want it..give it to me...I'm so wet..give it to me now"..

I said..
"Pi$$ off......it's my umbrella"!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Steviel81 on Tue Jul 03, 2012 10:07 pm

Ashley Young gave an explanation for missing a penalty against Italy in Euro 2012, he said 'I found it so strange taking a penalty without diving first to get it'
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by Steviel81 on Tue Jul 03, 2012 10:14 pm

Tramp walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'I bet you a pint I can guess any coin you stick up my ar5e'
So the barman agrees, reaches in the till and gets a 10p coin out, and shoves it up the tramps ar5e, the tramp makes some funny faces before announcing '10p coin'. the barman surprised pours him a pint!
Next day the tramp comes in again and asks the barman to try again for another pint, so the barman gets an old deutsche mark and shoves it up the tramps ar5e, again he makes a few funny faces and says 'Oh that's an old deutsche mark from the 1980's' the barman duly pours him another pint
Third day comes, tramp walks in and the bar man has a surprise in line, offers the tramp two pints so the tramp bends over, the barman shoves a spark plug up his ar5e and the tramp shouts 'OH CHAMPION!'
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:36 am

Went to see a psychic last week who told me I'd soon be coming into money.

Last nite I shagged a girl named Penny.

Spooky eh!!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:43 am

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said, "You should say "No.......they only want to look at your knickers."
Emily said, "I know they do......that's why I hide them in my bag"!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:47 am

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.
The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Jul 04, 2012 6:57 am

The Mrs just asked me, "What exercise can I do to lose some weight".
I said, "How about moving your head from side to side when someone offers you food".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:06 am

I said to the Mrs on the weekend "What would you do if I won the Lottery"?
She said....."I'd take half and leave you....you lazy tw@t"!
I said......"Great!...I've won a tenner....so here's a fiver...now pi$$ off".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by waz on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:58 pm

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he's dead.
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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Thu Jul 26, 2012 5:05 am

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you have another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

"I've just realised I was playing you the 'B' side."

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Jul 27, 2012 4:57 am

An ice cream van just drove past advertising 'Any Flavour You Can Think Of'.
Soooo, I asked for a 'Minge-Flavoured' ice cream cornet.
After the first lick, I said to the ice cream man......"This tastes like sh!t"!
He said...."Take shorter licks".

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:32 am

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."

The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..."

The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"

The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"


The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Sun Aug 05, 2012 5:18 pm

I pulled a Pikey slapper last night.
She asked if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time.
She wasn’t kidding either
I went on the Waltzer, Ghost Train and the Dodgems.
AND........
I walked home in the early hours this morning with a Goldfish.

WINNER !!

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Re: The Joke Thread!

Post by oldie on Fri Aug 17, 2012 5:25 am

I've started a new job and I asked my boss where he wanted the big roll of bubble wrap.
"Just pop it in the corner over there" he said...........
Took me nearly 5 hours.

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Re: The Joke Thread!

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